Today is a good day for a bad day

So here I's Sunday! Sticking to the promise I made myself to do this thing on Sunday's. But more so just needing a place to get some of this out of my head. Today is "one of those days"... Sometimes I really do wish there was a cure for depression. Something that would make it turn off and go away forever.

My heart is heavy these days. Navigating grief, both recent and previous, but trying to remain hopeful. But at the same time, scared shitless of what else is going to go wrong. It always seems to feel like nothing is ever too good for too long, you know? Maybe you don't. In all of this, it feels wrong and stupid to have hope. My brain tells me to feel hopeless, but my heart tells me to feel hope. My grief tells me to feel hopeless, but then sometimes it tells me to have hope and it's not so bad. I feel such inner turmoil - it's hard to even put it into words.

What I can say for sure is that I'm angry and I'm not being my best self lately. I'm not bringing 100%. I'm not getting shit done. I'm trying to do the bare minimum to keep everything from blowing up in my face. I'm snapping at my kids and asking them for space (and to stop wanting me to smell their WTF...why are kids so gross?) I'm trying to avoid my sewing machine, but I can't do that because I have a mountain of sewing to do. So I have to force it, and I hate forcing myself to do something that's usually fun and effortless. I feel angry at myself for piling all of this on myself...for wanting to grow my business. It's hard to say no to anything that might possibly lead to growth.

In my head, I was expecting January to be super slow and I'd have a couple of months of downtime to work on some career goals that I have. But I've had multiple new and existing retailers to stock that I've barely made a dent in, plus I'm trying to figure out ways to grow and expand and applying for different directories, events, and retailers. And I even...wait for it....reached out for HELP! I know right? Crazy. I applied for a government-funded program that I was hoping could help me take my website, marketing and sales to the next level, but I don't qualify for help because I already have a website/online sales and I don't have a physical retail store. It's a bit of a smack in the'm a business.....enough of one to not get help, but also not enough of one to get help. Guys, it's hard out here for small businesses.

Anyhoo...thanks for reading this far. I hope your day is better than mine. And I hope tomorrow is a better day than today.

Lindsay aka Sassy Mother

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