Sometimes I'm ok. Sometimes I'm not.

It's hard to put into words how I'm feeling. Part of me feels like I'm doing great. Like, actually great. And then part of me feels like I'm just pretending things are great. I'm not even sure which one is true.

I'm feeling a little lost now that I'm back in the newborn baby days. I miss my job. I miss my productivity. I miss my personal space. I miss going to the bathroom whenever I damn well please. I miss feeling slightly more "together". I miss feeling like myself. I miss feeling like the super sassy badass boss mama that I know I am.

I know I'm still myself. I also know that this postpartum experience is much improved compared to my previous. Overall, I'm more stable with fewer highs and lows. Breastfeeding is going really well. I had the exact birth experience I wanted. My body is quickly going back to its pre-pregnancy normal. But there's a lingering sadness inside of me. It just never fucking goes away. No matter how good things are our how much I'm grateful for, the depression cloud never fully disappears.

I so wish it would go away. It's so draining to deal with. My anxiety has increased due to a death in the family, followed by boundaries being pushed. I can't grieve because I'm trying to keep my guard up against the boundary pushers and I'm anxious about how things will unfold. But I'm also just sad about how dysfunctional it all is. I knew when the phone rang that something had happened. The only phone calls I've gotten from family in the last few years are to tell me that someone died.

I don't really have an eloquent way of ending this. I'm sad. I feel like I need to take a mental health day (or a mental health week) but that's not an option. I'm not really ok, but I will be. It just sucks.


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