Sad Face

I've wanted to write so much over the last month and a half. Truthfully, I don't even know where to start. It's hard to look at this blank writing space and know what to put here that doesn't make it immediately obvious that my mental health is shit. One of the things I notice about depression is that it gets really easy to live in it, really easy to continue functioning, really easy to push it aside (as much as possible) even when it's so disruptive.

I've been asking myself lately what it might feel like to be "normal" or happy. That's a bit of a downer, but I feel like I really don't know anymore. Depression takes so much from me. I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy. If I'm depressed, I'm just supposed to be sad all the time, right? I've normalized insomnia, stomach issues, headaches, compulsive behaviours, emotional outbursts, and just generally feeling like shit. It's a lot. It's also a lot on top of a lot of other things. And it just really fucking sucks.

I've started working with a new family therapist. It's been brutal. I was completely unprepared for the trauma that has resurfaced. I honestly thought I was in a better spot with a lot of things in my past, but that is not the case. Talking about my childhood and realizing that I'm continuing destructive patterns from the abuse I experienced growing up has been devastating. The feelings of brokenness have been so utterly overwhelming and left me feeling empty and alone. I've struggled with being honest with myself about how I've been feeling because it's scary. My inner dialogue is scary.

I've had major conversations with myself about the state of my business and whether I'm just doing it because I'm in too deep. There's been some pretty heartbreaking realizations that have come out of that. I get into this downward spiral of feeling like an imposter in the small business community and feeling unsuccessful.

I don't have a happy ending. I've just been sitting in my pity party and not doing much to bring myself out of it. And then I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for not being grateful for having such a privileged life. I feel guilty that my kids see me at my worst. I feel alone in my sadness and guilt.

If you've made it this far, thanks for "listening". Hoping for brighter days ahead.


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